You Can’t Change What You Judge
I’ve found self-judgement to be epidemic. I see that most of us don’t even realize just how often we judge ourselves. I beat this drum about noticing self judgement a lot because I see that it’s the key to truly changing our lives for the better.
I’ve spoken about this in previous newsletters and since “repetition is the mother of skill,” I think this bears repeating often.
Two Important Keys to Consider:
- First, when your judge yourself, if you really check this out, you will find thatyou are looking at yourself with the benefit of hindsight. Most of us tend to have a different perspective with the benefit of hindsight, so of course we would do it differently now.
- Second, consider the idea of learning to look at yourself through the eyes of self awareness as opposed to self judgment. This takes practice.
You have to practice having a different conversation with yourself.
When you notice your feeling bad, it’s your indicator that the Bully in Your Brain is really feeding you with a lot of debilitating thoughts.
How do you practice having a different conversation with yourself?
You can start by asking yourself if it’s ever truly helped you to create long term positive change by being hard on yourself.
If you saw your little self….let’s go with your 6 year old self. You’re witnessing your 6 year old being really hard on yourself. You’re witnessing your self esteem plunging with this behavior. You’re witnessing the vicious cycle that’s happening.
From where you’re sitting right now? Do you believe that you would tell your 6 year old self that this self punishment is really helpful? Or do you think you might encourage your 6 year old self be at least a little more self accepting. Saying things to your 6 year old self like. “It’s okay. You’re doing the best you can right now.”
I’d be willing to bet that when you see a trusted friend, or your own child suffering you would be loving and encouraging. Yet when it comes to yourself… not so much!!!
So I’m going to invite you to consider the idea that self awareness is much lighter. You notice you made a mistake and as soon as you notice the Bully beating you up, you can tap and you can practice self awareness by asking yourself the following questions:
- I wonder what’s operating in me right now, for me to behave this way?
- What am I feeling?
- What thoughts am I having?
- What’s the story am I telling myself that’s creating this behavior?
When you start to ask yourself questions like these, two important things happen:
- You’ve interrupted the pattern of thinking that’s been creating your reaction. What part of you is asking these questions? (Hint: It’s your healthier, higher adult self.)
- When you put this part of you back in the drivers seat, you are practicing self awareness and you can get a much better perspective which can create real, genuine lasting change.
Now check in this way.
- Imagine making a mistake.
- Now imagine really coming down on yourself for it.
- As you imagine this, do you feel lighter or heavier?
- Now imagine making that same mistake. And imagine asking yourself, “What story am I telling myself, that created this choice?
- As you imagine this, do you feel lighter or heavier?
- If you feel lighter, then you are well on your way to creating true lasting change.
Imagine making a mistake. Now imagine really coming down on yourself for it.
As you imagine this, do you feel lighter or heavier?
Now imagine making that same mistake. And imagine asking yourself, “What story am I telling myself, that created this choice?
As you imagine this, do you feel lighter or heavier?
If you feel lighter, then you are well on your way to creating true lasting change.
Here’s to Self Awareness!
Marti