I Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda
The first time I heard the term, “shoulding on yourself” I thought that was quite clever. I “got it” intellectually, but I never really put it into practice.
When I really began comprehending this ridiculously critical voice in my head, I dubbed it The Bully, because that’s what this voice was doing to me… bullying me.
You can’t change what you judge, because when you judge yourself for a particular behavior you have, you effectively lock it into place.
Think about this, just from the simple standpoint of something feeling light or heavy to you.
Here are some examples. Say the following statements out loud and notice how each one feels to you. Do you feel lighter when you say them, or heavier? So you feel a little freer, or you a little more bound up.
Here you go:
I should have taken care of that. Lighter or Heavier
I shouldn’t have said that to them. Lighter or Heavier
I should have handled that better. Lighter or Heavier
I shouldn’t have procrastinated. Lighter or Heavier
If you really pay attention, it’s likely you’ll notice that your energy drops a bit when you say any of the above statements out loud.
Should or shouldn’t statements reinforce your self-judgment. It’s virtually an epidemic.
It’s actually a somewhat sneaky way you judge yourself.
Now try these:
I would have done better, if I could have. Lighter or Heavier
I would have behaved better, if I could have. Lighter or Heavier
I would have handled that better if I could have. Lighter or Heavier
The problem with self-judgement is you’re judging from a place of having hindsight. Think about it. It’s really true. With the benefit of hindsight, you have a vastly different perspective. The deed is done. You have now gained experience and from this new accumulation of experience you are able to make a different choice. (And may I say, not all the time, because if you’re anything like me, you might need to repeat something more than once to really get the lesson.)
If you are repeating a pattern, it’s information for you. It’s an indicator that you simply haven’t gotten the lesson yet. There’s more to learn. But for most of us, this isn’t how we’re taught to perceive it. We’re taught to be hard on ourselves.
When you judge yourself, you actually lock the behavior in more strongly and thus the cycle repeats.
So next time you hear yourself using the words should or shouldn’t…
Note to self… I’m in self judgement. When you practice… and it is a practice, reframing your should statements with I would have if I could have. Add in tapping on the judgement and you will find that over time you feel lighter and lighter and when you feel lighter, it’s an indicator that you are releasing self-judgement and that’s when you can truly create positive lasting change.
Here’s to Releasing the Should’s in Your Life!!
Marti